


The Hardest Part of This Is Leaving You

by DevynGreenwood



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Cancer, Loki Feels, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-04
Updated: 2014-11-04
Packaged: 2018-02-24 03:50:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2567159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DevynGreenwood/pseuds/DevynGreenwood
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony had always assumed that Asgardians were immune to human illnesses. He was wrong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Hardest Part of This Is Leaving You

It had all started with a run to the bathroom. Loki didn't know why, but he was feeling terribly nauseous. He shuddered as he vomited into the toilet, disgusted by the substance. He went to tell Tony, who assured him it must have just been something he ate.

Then slowly, Loki started to forget things. It began as little things forgotten, like what the date was or what month it was, but Loki eventually started forgetting people's names. At first, it didn't seem too bad - he just forgot the names of acquaintances. However, it didn't take very long for him to have trouble remembering Tony's name and even his own. Loki also complained of migraine-strength headaches and near-constant nausea. Concerned about all of the symptoms Loki was experiencing, Tony took him to a doctor. That doctor's visit changed everything.

Cancer. Tony thought that Asgardians would be immune to such a thing, but apparently they could get all of the same diseases that humans could. Loki had a large brain tumor which was responsible for the headaches and forgetfulness. Even worse, it was at Stage 3. The doctor said that there wasn't a good chance for Loki living very long because of how big the tumor already was. The cancer was surely going to spread to the rest of his body.

Tony told himself it was just a bad dream every time he saw red on the tissue Loki was coughing into. He tried not to think about how scared Loki looked when he couldn't remember his own name. It didn't change anything at all. In fact, it only made things worse, so Tony tried to accept the idea that Loki was most likely going to die. He never could.

Eventually, Loki's symptoms got so bad that he was going to have to stay in a hospital bed. Tony visited him every day, always bringing white roses. A symbol of purity, just as pure as he wanted Loki's health to be. It didn't change a thing about Loki's declining health, but Loki liked it when Tony brought the flowers, so Tony decided that was enough.

The chemotherapy was killing Loki - at least in Tony's eyes. Loki grew weaker each day until small tasks became nearly impossible. Though he didn't lose his hair, his hair lost more and more of its shine every day until it was dry and strawlike. Loki lost a ton of weight from being too nauseous to eat anything. Soon, he was skeletal and sickly-looking, so thin Tony was sure a strong wind could blow him over and so pale that he almost blended in with the white sheets of the hospital bed.

Bruce worked hard trying to develop a medicine that would make Loki's symptoms less severe, but it was no use. Loki was dying more and more each day, and nothing Tony and Bruce could do could change that fact. Natasha brought Loki books and read them to him since he was too weak to even hold a book. Being read to seemed to soothe Loki and get his mind off of his likely imminent death, but Tony just found it sad that he couldn't even hold something as light as a book. That put things in perspective for Tony - Loki was really starting to get terribly weak and there was nothing he could do about it except wait until Loki was at peace. Thinking about how Loki was most likely going to die made Tony cry until his eyes were red and his throat was hoarse from sobbing. But still, he told himself that gods couldn't get diseases, even though the god he was in love with already had one.

The cancer spread just as Tony feared it would. It settled into Loki's lungs and went down to his bone marrow, causing breathing to be painful for Loki and giving him a constant sensation of fatigue. One day, Tony couldn't take how weak Loki's breathing sounded. It was a rattling wheeze that was just as pitiful as the sound of a dog whimpering.

"I don't want you to leave me!" Tony cried. "I want you to stay with me. I know it's selfish, but I don't want you to go. I know the best thing for you right now would be for you to be at peace, but I don't want to see you die. I love you more than you'll ever know and I don't know what I'd do if you died. Please, Loki, hang on for me. Please!"

It took nearly all of Loki's energy just to turn his head to face Tony. "I know, I know. I don't want to leave you, but it's not like I have any control over the situation. Please try to be happy. I don't want to see you sad."

So Tony tried to be happy after that. He tried as hard as he could. Though he felt guilty for it, he made his visits to Loki shorter so he wouldn't spend as much time looking at how weak the god was. Eventually, the guilt ate away at him completely and Tony started making long visits. He wanted to spend as much time with Loki as possible before it was all over.

One day, Loki looked like death warmed over. His skin was pale, but less ghost-white and more ashen. When he saw Loki, Tony had a strange feeling that this would be the day that his lover died.

"Tony, I don't think I can hold on for much longer," Loki said, a film of tears on his eyes. "I just want you to know that I love you. I love you so much and I'm sorry that I ruined everything by getting sick. I didn't even know things like this could happen to my kind, but I guess you learn something new every day. Please don't mourn me for too long. I want you to be happy. I don't want you to be upset all because of me. I want you to lead a happy, successful life. I want you to remember me, but not as I am right now. I want you to remember the healthy and happy me, the one that would cuddle with you and play pranks on you. And I want you to remember the good times, not the bad times. Please do that for me, Tony."

Tony nodded. "I'll do all of those things. And it's not your fault that you got sick. I would never blame you for this. I just don't know what I'd do without you. Sure, I'd move on eventually, but it would be hard as hell. I'll try to be happy, but my happiness is not going to come quickly. It may be years before I'm happy again. But I'll try. I'll try for you."

"I love you," Loki said, a single tear rolling down his face.

Those were the last words Tony heard from Loki before he flatlined.


End file.
